KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA!! (Part 2)

First, "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" starts with a disclaimer/warning to the viewer that what they are about to see is savage and terrifying and scary and icky and thus should not be viewed by anyone who's squeamish or weak at heart (or, presumably, mincing homos, hairdressers, vegetarians, liberals, girls, people who wear Birkenstocks to make a statement...)

As "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" goes on to explain, this blood-curdling kata-type thing has 27 of the most lethal poison hand techniques ever devised, and that each one alone is guaranteed to "maim, cripple, or kill an opponent."  I thought "maiming" and "crippling" were the same thing, more or less...maybe the techniques are so horrifying that one needs to double up on the adjectives to accurately convey just how brutal they are.

Next:  "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" squares off with a fellow ninja; that is to say I assume he's a ninja, by virtue of him being clad in what seems to be some sort of standard ninja garb, down to his wicked-cool tabi boots...as opposed to some silly, delusional wing-nut who likes to look the part when pretending to be a ninja-- and the two bow to each other in the traditional Asian gesture of mutual respect...  

 BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!!

 

It would appear that while the squeamish and/or weak of heart would be wise to avoid so much as looking at this savage fusillade of deadly blows, the spindly and dorky are entirely well-suited. 

 

 Next, the man playing the role of "aggressor" drops into a lazy, shallow, and sloppy forward stance; I thought at first that it might be because he is one of those douchebags who buy a series of DVDs (more likely VHS tapes judging by the vintage of this clip) that purports to provide a visual training course of everything you need to know to be a blackbelt at something. But then, it occurred to me that he must be one of "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kims'" longtime pupils, and that maybe "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim"-- the sort of fellow possessed of the impressive guile and lethal cunning vital to *any* true ninja master-- taught him to look inept on purpose so as to lull an opponent into complacency by appearing to have no credible martial skill whatsoever.  That may seem silly, but bear in mind that one of the greatest weapons a ninja has in his arsenal is deception.

"Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" then launches into a full-speed demonstration of **KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA** by unleashing a rapid-fire series of what I assume are the aforementioned "poison hand" techniques, but which at the start look like "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" is doing his impression of how his cat behaves when trying to give him a bath.

 RRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHA!!!

Like me, you may be wondering how screaming at the top of one's lungs like a banshee that's passing a kidney stone fits within the context of Ninjutsu, a discipline which tends to emphasize stealth. Then again, a wise and diligent pupil never presumes to second-guess the master. So let us move on... 

 ACK! ACK! ACK!

"Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" then hurls his hapless, doomed opponent to the ground and executes a series of debilitating, rapid-fire ninja-chops to the offending punching arm.  The origin of this horrifying technique has not, to my knowledge, been definitively pinned down; I myself believe that it's at least a close cousin of an infamous technique generally associated with the legendary 17th-century ninja master assassin Sensei David Byrne, head of the Hanashiteimasu Atama ("Talking Head") clan.

  

MAIMED AS IT EVER WAS! ACK!  MAIMED AS IT EVER WAS! ACK! MAIMED AS IT EVER WAS! ACK!

Assuming that you've not been inspired by the horrific display of simulated carnage and bloodshed you just witnessed to flee the room in terror and/or begin to spew copious amounts of vomit and/or completely void your bowels, the remainder on the gruesome techniques are revealed in KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA (PART 3)

You may as well just piss your drawers and run home to momma....'cuz you can't handle "KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA!! (Part 1)

Prepare to bear witness to the most blood-curdling and terrifying thing you've ever seen...Kinjite!

Whoops!  Wrong one...why the hell can't I stop doing that?!  I mean, the level of quality in terms of roles (and scripts) ol' Chuck Bronson was getting in the twilight of his acting career were pretty awful...but not *that* much.

Let me be perfectly clear, people: if you happen to experience a major, fear-induced bowel evacuation as a result of watching this...well, you were warned.  The first 30 seconds alone could alleviate a bout of "occasional irregularity" better than Ex-Lax.

First, a little background on the deadly martial artist demonstrating this savage, terrifying self-defense form...

Ladies and gents, boys and girls, ninjas and Shaolin monks: meet "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim," the deadliest human weapon ever forged in the crucible of secret ninja training and tempered in the fires of deadly combat...

...or something like that. "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" is actually the nom de assclown of Radford Davis...or possibly Christopher Wallace.  I'm not sure if his true identity has been nailed down yet, and thus "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim's" given name-- as well as his ninja bona-fides and his grip on reality-- remains a matter of speculation.  This is particularly true of the general martial arts community, where "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" is regarded (among those who know of him and his Walter Mitty-esque reminisces having to do with his supposed ninja-related exploits in his prime) as sort of the unofficial, de-facto village idiot.

Prior to the upward surge of private Internet use, "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" was a modestly prolific author of several scholarly tomes on the subject of ninja-type stuff, such as:

• Hands Of Death 

• The Seven Golden Movements:  a title which to me sounds like an autobiographical recounting of the seven most enjoyable and memorable times "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" sat down on a toilet and dropped a payload.

• Invisible Fist: which I suppose might be a  deadlier/scarier technique developed by refining the "Invisible Touch" technique known only to students of Ninja Sensei Phil Collins, which is purported to enable a skilled practitioner to literally grab hold of his opponents' heart, followed by tearing him apart.

• Tibetan Burning Palm: Secret of the Dim Mak Fist:  Curiously enough, we find the front cover of the Burning Palm adorned with a still photo of Jean-Claude Van Damme smashing a pile of stone slabs with a palm-heel strike.  JC is not, to my knowledge, Tibetan, nor does he have any solid connection with Tibet that I know of; where the hell was Steven Segal when "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" needed him most? And "dim mak" has nothing to do with feats of slab-breaking I know of...but the pic *IS* taken from one of JCVD earlier thespian efforts-- that being "Bloodsport," unless I miss my guess-- and what he's shown doing was *called* "dim mak."  I suppose he figured that was as close as he was gonna get and decided to run with it.

Of course, the cover doesn't matter...it's the *contents* within that truly matter.  If, like me, you are possessed of a certain level of acumen and expertise related to secret, deadly, bad-ass martial arts techniques-- there's simply no way one can get baked out of their skull and sit listlessly on a couch watching Shaolin Kung Fu Deadly Killer Action Theater at 2:00 AM  (prime-time for that sort of show) a thousand or so times and NOT learn a thing or two-- you know that anything having to do with martial arts whose name has certain words (i.e. "fist," "deadly/death," "Shaolin," "tiger," "dragon," to name a few) is, without question, some heavy-duty shit.

These works had previously been distributed via Paladin Press, a distributer of books/DVDs/Whatever of which Soldier of Fortune founder Robert K. Brown is co-owner.  PalPress is an awesome resource for instructional materials, assuming what you want to learn is how best to go about royally fucking people up in sinister and greusome ways; though they also have more light-hearted fare, such as The Turner Diaries.  It seems they no longer do...I suppose because "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim"was too bonkers even for them.

Oh, in case you're wondering: my use of quotation marks when referring to "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" in intended to convey my serious skepticism regarding the veracity of his claims...those being the claims of a spindly white guy with a Japanese first name and a Korean surname who hasn't a scintilla of evidence or proof that he's not totally full of shit, delusional, or both.

ALrighty then, nancy-boy...this is your LAST CHANCE to turn back before we move on to a demonstration of KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA.

Just don't call me late for dinner...or a "patriot."

After giving the idea consideration for quite awhile, I feel that the time to act is now definitely at hand: today, I am officially beginning a self-imposed personal moratorium on the use of the word "patriot" and variations thereof ("patriots," "patriotism," "patriotic") until such time I feel that politicians, talking heads, political commentators, self-righteous assclowns, and various segments of American society stop bastardizing it.

I used to use the word frequently to describe myself whenever appropriate; typically within the context of explaining how I feel about things like being an American, or why I pestered my parents until they agreed to co-sign my enlistment papers so as to allow me to begin Marine Corps boot camp at least a full month before I could legally consent on my own (I turned 18 on The Island, right before Phase 2). Alas, over the past few years, I have watched the term being gradually warped and twisted into both a shield behind which to hide from criticism for ones' beliefs or actions, or as a cudgel to silence it.

It has become a catch-all rationalization for all sorts of things people all over the ideological spectrum claim to be zealously in favor of (or diametrically opposed to) but can't be bothered to provide a cogent or logically defensible explanation as to why they feel that way. Many folks who oppose building a Muslim mosque at Ground Zero-- even though it's neither a mosque, nor situated on Ground Zero-- will tell you their opposition is couched in patriotism, just the same as people who think publicly acknowledging a belief in *ANY* divine being-- be it Allah, Jesus, Yahweh, or Vishnu-- amounts to "forcing" ones' religion upon them. People favoring widespread curtailing and encroachment of our most cherished freedoms and civil liberties (and who quite often, it seems, cannot count themselves among those of us who've risked our lives defending them) claim "patriotism" as their prevailing motive. Ditto millions of people who decry the exercise those freedoms by daring to question the motives of the federal government or hold them accountable for any number of things (these being freedoms which I've gathered the architects and framers of our Constitution esteemed above all others). Smug, self-important, and highly-gullible fuckwits who claim membership in the "9/11 Truth Movement" and who seem to think the willingness to believe just about anything, regardless of its implausibility, basis in reality, or violence to sense is the hallmark of a keen intellect and an agile mind (as long as it supports their asinine theories about why WTC 1, 2, and 7 collapsed) are quick to describe themselves as "patriots," and just as quick to cast aspersions upon the patriotism of others who annoy them by demonstrating via logical, informed argument the various reasons why they're utterly full of shit.

But there it is, not to belabor the point. Mind you, this is not a decision made lightly; as I mentioned, I used to hold the word in high regard. Moreover, it does present certain thorny complications for someone such as myself who is an alumnus of George Mason University, whose sports teams and alumni are labeled "Patriots" and whose primary venue for sporting competition, entertainment events, and my own graduation is called "The Patriot Center" (henceforth to be called by me "That Building On Campus Where All the Stuff Happens" until I can think up something better).

I'd like to think that it won't be long before I'm no longer motivated to decide to resume using it.