You may as well just piss your drawers and run home to momma....'cuz you can't handle "KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA!! (Part 1)

Prepare to bear witness to the most blood-curdling and terrifying thing you've ever seen...Kinjite!

Whoops!  Wrong one...why the hell can't I stop doing that?!  I mean, the level of quality in terms of roles (and scripts) ol' Chuck Bronson was getting in the twilight of his acting career were pretty awful...but not *that* much.

Let me be perfectly clear, people: if you happen to experience a major, fear-induced bowel evacuation as a result of watching this...well, you were warned.  The first 30 seconds alone could alleviate a bout of "occasional irregularity" better than Ex-Lax.

First, a little background on the deadly martial artist demonstrating this savage, terrifying self-defense form...

Ladies and gents, boys and girls, ninjas and Shaolin monks: meet "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim," the deadliest human weapon ever forged in the crucible of secret ninja training and tempered in the fires of deadly combat...

...or something like that. "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" is actually the nom de assclown of Radford Davis...or possibly Christopher Wallace.  I'm not sure if his true identity has been nailed down yet, and thus "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim's" given name-- as well as his ninja bona-fides and his grip on reality-- remains a matter of speculation.  This is particularly true of the general martial arts community, where "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" is regarded (among those who know of him and his Walter Mitty-esque reminisces having to do with his supposed ninja-related exploits in his prime) as sort of the unofficial, de-facto village idiot.

Prior to the upward surge of private Internet use, "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" was a modestly prolific author of several scholarly tomes on the subject of ninja-type stuff, such as:

• Hands Of Death 

• The Seven Golden Movements:  a title which to me sounds like an autobiographical recounting of the seven most enjoyable and memorable times "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" sat down on a toilet and dropped a payload.

• Invisible Fist: which I suppose might be a  deadlier/scarier technique developed by refining the "Invisible Touch" technique known only to students of Ninja Sensei Phil Collins, which is purported to enable a skilled practitioner to literally grab hold of his opponents' heart, followed by tearing him apart.

• Tibetan Burning Palm: Secret of the Dim Mak Fist:  Curiously enough, we find the front cover of the Burning Palm adorned with a still photo of Jean-Claude Van Damme smashing a pile of stone slabs with a palm-heel strike.  JC is not, to my knowledge, Tibetan, nor does he have any solid connection with Tibet that I know of; where the hell was Steven Segal when "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" needed him most? And "dim mak" has nothing to do with feats of slab-breaking I know of...but the pic *IS* taken from one of JCVD earlier thespian efforts-- that being "Bloodsport," unless I miss my guess-- and what he's shown doing was *called* "dim mak."  I suppose he figured that was as close as he was gonna get and decided to run with it.

Of course, the cover doesn't matter...it's the *contents* within that truly matter.  If, like me, you are possessed of a certain level of acumen and expertise related to secret, deadly, bad-ass martial arts techniques-- there's simply no way one can get baked out of their skull and sit listlessly on a couch watching Shaolin Kung Fu Deadly Killer Action Theater at 2:00 AM  (prime-time for that sort of show) a thousand or so times and NOT learn a thing or two-- you know that anything having to do with martial arts whose name has certain words (i.e. "fist," "deadly/death," "Shaolin," "tiger," "dragon," to name a few) is, without question, some heavy-duty shit.

These works had previously been distributed via Paladin Press, a distributer of books/DVDs/Whatever of which Soldier of Fortune founder Robert K. Brown is co-owner.  PalPress is an awesome resource for instructional materials, assuming what you want to learn is how best to go about royally fucking people up in sinister and greusome ways; though they also have more light-hearted fare, such as The Turner Diaries.  It seems they no longer do...I suppose because "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim"was too bonkers even for them.

Oh, in case you're wondering: my use of quotation marks when referring to "Grandmaster" "Ashida" "Kim" in intended to convey my serious skepticism regarding the veracity of his claims...those being the claims of a spindly white guy with a Japanese first name and a Korean surname who hasn't a scintilla of evidence or proof that he's not totally full of shit, delusional, or both.

ALrighty then, nancy-boy...this is your LAST CHANCE to turn back before we move on to a demonstration of KINJITE: FORBIDDEN FIST OF THE NINJA.